A Lesbian in Recovery Sits in this Chair

By Cary Kelley Wright, Volunteer Facilitator, SRF Support For LGBTQ+

There were so many times during the years when I was drinking excessively that I felt like I was unworthy of love and belonging. Many of those moments led back to my young teenage years when I discovered that I was attracted to women. I remember being outed in high school when someone taped a note to the back of my desk that read “a lesbian sits in this chair.” I was mortified.

That was probably the beginning of my efforts to escape reality and the constant barrage of exterior judgment and ridicule.

I tried very hard to live who I felt I was, but I was unable to stand against conforming to what was expected of me as a young woman being raised in the South.

As I think back about the origin of my alcohol use disorder, I can see that it began as I reached the drinking age and started frequenting local gay and lesbian bars – in an effort to step a little deeper into my truth. At that time, those bars were predominately where “we” met one another. They provided a safe environment where I felt accepted for who I was.

Having a safe place to connect with other LGBTQ+ people meant everything as I struggled to accept my sexuality.

Oddly enough, that safe haven was also the place where I learned to use alcohol to escape. From the moment I began drinking, I almost always drank to excess. I believe that I struggled to feel safe in my sexuality because of the stigma and how others responded to people who lived openly as gay or lesbian. I drank to avoid my feelings of fear and shame.