By Arlina Allen, SHE RECOVERS Coach | SHE RECOVERS® Foundation
I keep coming back to the idea that there are limitless versions of me and they all see me the way I now see my Mom. I only care about the good parts of her. That’s what matters to me now. That is her gift to me. Since I can now see the truth about her, I can now see the truth about me and focus on the good that is within me. -Arlina Allen
Over my 28th sobriety anniversary, I attended the SHE RECOVERS event in Miami and was present for some amazing speakers. SHE RECOVERS Founder Dawn Nickel said the weekend would be transformative, but I had no idea how right she would be or how it would manifest.
As it turns out, it was my inner validation junkie that would be transformed. That’s the part of me that is always seeking outside of myself for approval. It’s like an exhausting taskmaster that prevents me from feeling accomplished or content. There is always more to do, there is never enough time, the work is never good enough and it constantly beckons me to try harder to reach an ever-moving finish line. Do you have that voice too? I’m hoping what I learned could help you as well.
Here’s the question that came up for me as I processed what I was hearing at SHE RECOVERS in Miami: What if all the validation and approval I ever wanted is inside me right now? What if there are a bunch of different versions of me all approving of me and validating me right now?
Maybe that is a thing. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out.
I realized that this idea could actually be true. Every day I have been on this planet there is a version of myself that exists within the space-time continuum. Abraham Hicks calls it “The Vortex ”. Deepak Chopra calls it, “the field of possibility.” A place where all versions of me exist simultaneously.
To take this idea further, my soul is immortal and there are limitless expressions of that soul that always were and will always be, even after my earthly personality expires.
So here’s what I’ve concluded:
1 – These versions of me are real.
2 – They are all inside me and in the quantum field at the same time.
3 – They see the truth about me and they think I’m amazing.
That’s the shortcut, but let me go all the way around to explain how I came to this conclusion.
It started with a terrible attack of envy a couple of weeks before the event. A friend and colleague posted on social media about a tremendous milestone she had achieved. Her work is resonating with many and she has helped a lot of people. That’s what I have been trying to do for several years and she’s doing better than I am by all measures.
When I saw her post about it, I was in awe of her and then immediately felt myself go into a shame spiral. I started comparing my work to hers. I started having all kinds of thoughts like, “All my work is crap. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not focused enough. I don’t have the gifts and talents she has. I’m not helping anyone. I’m a total loser. I’m a failure.”
Ouch.
My rational mind knows that isn’t really true, but I had to reach out to my support network to process my feelings. Of course, I had to look at why I was comparing myself and what my motivations are for doing the work I do. I had to admit that a big part of my shame spiral comes from seeking external validation to feel good enough to be worthy of love.
Fuck, why does it always have to come back to this!?
It always comes back to this because that’s how my brain is hardwired. I didn’t get the nurturing, protection, and security I needed as a little girl, so I have been programmed to seek it outside myself. That’s what I’m working with.
My wish was that mom had been more protective and nurturing. I had been sexually abused as a young child. My mom saw it happening once and completely freaked out. I remember she got very angry with me and there was a lot of yelling. It was incredibly traumatizing. I believed that deep down, she hated me and that I was a bad person. The only way to get her approval was through achievement.
Mom didn’t know how to help me process my feelings, so I was left alone to deal with them and the conclusions I came to about my worth were extremely painful and detrimental to my identity. These painful experiences and misunderstandings of my value colored the lens through which I saw myself. They led to limiting and self-defeating patterns that I sometimes carry even today.
My brain’s internal default mode network had been set. This was the baseline to which I returned over and over again left to my own devices. Without the daily practice of mindfulness, active self-forgiveness, and self-compassion, I automatically revert back to old behavior patterns of over-achievement, then eventual collapse and burnout.
To add more context, I had a transformative experience about six months ago when my mother suddenly passed away from cancer, 22 days after her diagnosis.
After she died, I realized just how uniquely amazing she was. I loved my Mom and we did have a great relationship for many years, but there were always blocks inside me that prevented me from really seeing how great she was. I was holding onto anger and resentment about how she wasn’t who I needed her to be when I was little.
I miss my Mom. She was flawed, sure, but she was also so uniquely amazing. I’ve never met anyone who actively chose to be happy the way she did. Growing up she used to say to me “We all have the power of choice” but I didn’t understand what she meant. She meant that we have the power to choose what we focus on. What we wanted to feel, who we wanted to be and what we experienced. Just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, we could come home to the pure self, the loveable self, the worthy self, with a simple shift of focus.
When I change my perspective and observe myself the way I now experience my Mom – thanks to the work I’ve done in my recovery to heal these past wounds and intergenerational trauma – this is where the idea of all the other versions of myself comes in. What if they are all crying out, “You are enough! Don’t wait until you die to see how uniquely amazing you are!” When I really let that feeling of internal validation be enough, I stop struggling with the never-ending list of tasks I need to achieve in order to feel content.
I keep coming back to the idea that there are limitless versions of me and they all see me the way I now see my Mom. I only care about the good parts of her. That’s what matters to me now. That is her gift to me. Since I can now see the truth about her, I can now see the truth about me and focus on the good that is within me.
That is how my internal validation junkie is getting healed, and I hope yours can be healed too.
Arlina Allen is the Host of the award winning podcast, The One Day At A Time Recovery Podcast. Arlina is also a SHE RECOVERS Coach and Certified Hypnotherapist. She helps women heal from trauma and improve self-esteem through group classes and 1:1 personalized coaching. Visit her website.
1 Comment
Tyler Gavin
on June 20, 2022 at 3:07 pm
Thank you for this post. Indeed, changing perspectives can make you see the world in a whole different light. It is all about focusing n your health and letting go of all the things that are damaging your health.
Shelly Dimitrijevic’s professional and philanthropic activities have always focused on improving the lives of others. She began her nursing career at Cardinal Glennon Children’s Hospital in St. Louis and went on to become a LifeFlight nurse specializing in neonatal, pediatric, and cardiovascular intensive care.
Shelly has been involved with numerous charities focusing on children and education including the Charlee and the Chocolate Factory gala, The Venus Orbit, Design For A Cure, Jackson Memorial, and Impact Oasis. In 2010 she founded the Lotus program, a program that focused on educating parents on the nutritional needs of children and basic child development. Shelly also served on the Frost Science Museum gala committee for 7 years before Co-Chairing the event in 2015.
After a diagnosis of Celiac disease and subsequently receiving Certification as a Nutritional Consultant, Shelly recognized that topically applied products have an effect on her Celiac Disease and overall health. She turned her focus to developing skincare that was free of toxic and hormone-disrupting ingredients.
Since she lost her only sibling in 2012 Shelly has been determined to find a way to contribute to the recovery community in a way that can make a great impact and ensure that others have the resources necessary when they are struggling.
Shelly's substantial contributions to SHE RECOVERS of both time and resources have been instrumental and deeply appreciated.
As a result of being introduced to SHE RECOVERS through retreats and meet-ups, Kirsten will be starting her yoga teacher training in the fall. These retreats also led her to become more deeply involved with SHE RECOVERS in a volunteer capacity. Kirsten was instrumental in setting up some of the Foundation's grassroots groups and currently volunteers her time helping SHE RECOVERS Foundation to design and implement the Volunteer Chapter Network.
Kirsten and her husband recently moved from Southern California to Roswell, Georgia to be closer to Kirsten's sister and two young nieces. When she isn't spending time being an aunt, you can find Kirsten hanging out with their rescue Labrador or exploring their new state.
Mary Beth is a founding member of SHE RECOVERS Support for Legal Professionals and is active at the local level with SHE RECOVERS in the Bay Area. Mary Beth has been living a sober life in recovery for over 26 years. She also has a history of trauma and abuse, from which she’s worked hard to recover as well. 6 years into her recovery, Mary Beth attended Berkeley Law. She worked at a large firm in Silicon Valley, then litigated class actions for the federal government. In 2014 Mary Beth was appointed an Administrative Law Judge. She recently retired, so she could devote her time to completing her writing and being more active in the recovery community.
She regularly speaks on behalf of LifeRing and develops relationships with organizations supportive of the multiple pathways approach. In August 2020, Mary Beth had an op-ed published in the Wall Street Journal, I Beat Addiction without God, where she described building a personal recovery plan by combining ideas from LifeRing, Women for Sobriety, and Narcotics Anonymous. In November 2020 she had an op-ed published in the Philadelphia Inquirer, I was a federal judge, and I support Safehouse. Here’s why. She is currently working on a full-length memoir.
Taryn Strong is a founder of SHE RECOVERS® Foundation as well as a trauma-informed yoga instructor, recovery coach, aromatherapist, and herbalist (and daughter to Mama Dawn). Taryn has developed a unique yoga retreat program and led over 40 yoga for recovery retreats since 2012. She is also the host of the SHE RECOVERS Podcast and most recently created and taught the inaugural trauma-informed SHE RECOVERS Yoga Teacher Training Program. Operating from a trauma-informed lens and a firm believer in anti-oppressive practices, Taryn brings an empathic and invitational approach to healing - empowering women to find and follow individualized pathways and patchworks of recovery.
Taryn's courageous vulnerability and passion for recovering out-loud has made her an influential voice in the global recovery movement - smashing the stigma often associated with substance use and mental health issues. Taryn creates and lives with her beloved and two dogs within the ancestral and unceded traditional territory of the Hul’qumi’num and SENĆOŦEN speaking peoples (Saltspring Island).
I am recovering from: Alcohol use disorder, codependency, disordered eating.
The Identity-based group I belong to: Chronic pain & auto-immune disorder, healthcare & allied professionals.
My personal definition of recovery: My personal definition of recovery is the continual process of expanding my awareness to grow spiritually, mentally, and physically enhancing my life-long journey to wholeness.
What led me to SHE RECOVERS: A desire to give back what I have been so graciously given that has led to an amazing life of sustained recovery and spiritual growth. I truly believe that every moment in my life has led me here. One of my favorite stories to share is how I came to find SHE RECOVERS - or rather, how they found me. In short, it involves a spark of curiosity over coffee and a remarkable moment at a SHE RECOVERS Conference that changed the trajectory of my life both professionally and spiritually. You can hear all about it here.
Why I love being a part of this team: It brings me immense joy to work alongside such smart, passionate and committed colleagues and volunteers. I learn so much from them. Not a day goes by where I am not deeply inspired by this team and community.
Those that know me best might describe me as: Tenacious, resourceful, and loving.
How these qualities show up in my everyday life: Love is the foundation for all my thoughts and actions, I am resourceful when confronted with a challenge, and I am tenacious like a "dog with a bone" - I'll never stop chasing the dream.
Something unique you may not already know about me: I have four kidneys and a double bladder. I have vitiligo, an auto-immune disease that destroys or suppresses pigment producing cells on the skin.
Something I am most proud of is… Launching a global nonprofit for women in or seeking recovery from all things.
Radical self-care look for me looks like: Being mindful of ease and learning to pause. And, pampering myself with modalities that foster a healthy body, a clear mind, a pure spirit, and service to others.
What I wanted to be when I grew up: An artist.
Something that is inspiring me right now: Supporting people to find, create, and nurture a relationship with the God / Creator / Higher Power of their understanding.
The SHE RECOVERS Intention & Guiding Principle resonating the most with me right now is… Connection is our sole (soul) purpose. We're stronger together.
My favorite SHE RECOVERS resource is… The SHE RECOVERS Together Online Group where connection, support, and empowerment is available 24 / 7.
I am recovering from: Substance use, trauma including sexual assault, intimate partner violence, codependency, anxiety, and workaholism.
The identity-based group(s) I am a part of: Healthcare & allied professional, cancer survivor, mature woman.
My personal definition of recovery: It changes often, but these days my definition of recovery is simply that recovery is a lifelong journey of healing. I think that not having a solid, static definition is a good thing. It opens the door to empower us all to create individualized and diverse definitions for our own recovery, and it’s a reminder that recovery differs across populations, cultures, and settings.
What led me to SHE RECOVERS: Taryn and I talk about SHE RECOVERS being our 'accidental movement.' So not sure what led me here other than a true desire to create a connective, supportive, and empowering space for women to think / talk about and experience recovery.
Why I love being a part of this team: I want to leave behind a legacy of hope for women in or seeking recovery.
Those that know me best might describe me as: Grateful, curious, and a survivor.
How these qualities show up in my everyday life: I believe that I pass recovery on to express my gratitude, and I call upon my curiosity to figure out what else I can do to support women in recovery. Oh, and I have survived a few near death experiences including surviving cancer.
Something unique you may not already know about me: I really dislike cilantro.
Something I am most proud of: My daughters, more than anything.
Radical self-care look for me looks like: Rest, hanging with other women in recovery, walking in fresh air, reading novels, long hot baths, and sweet, milky tea.
What I wanted to be when I grew up: An actress.
Something that is inspiring me right now: The women working or volunteering to help grow SRF.
The SHE RECOVERS Intention & Guiding Principle resonating the most with me right now is… We are all recovering from something. It all started there!
My favorite SHE RECOVERS resource is… Definitely the SHE RECOVERS Together Online Gatherings - they are such an amazing display of everything that we are about. Volunteerism and support, vulnerability, celebration, and information.
Thank you for this post. Indeed, changing perspectives can make you see the world in a whole different light. It is all about focusing n your health and letting go of all the things that are damaging your health.