Very early in my recovery I came to understand and accept that my life had become completely unmanageable and it was falling apart because of my addictions. I saw – finally and clearly – that regardless of all the reasons or excuses for why I had ended up in that exact place, ultimately it was going to be up to me to take responsibility for myself if I wanted to escape the pain.
And thus began my journey in recovery of learning the skill of taking responsibility.
What I’ve learned over the years is that when there’s a discrepancy between where I am and where I want to be, the first thing I need to do is take ownership and examine whether or not I’m taking responsibility for where I’m at. Truth be told it’s usually a pretty uncomfortable thing to do. But there is hope! When I view the world through the lens of responsibility, it provides me with an opportunity to be a powerful co-creator in my life and circumstances. It opens me up to the possibility of a limitless future in creating the life of my dreams.
Good news, right? So, how do I do it?
WATCH FOR THE SIGNS:
What I’ve come to learn is that sometimes the pain I feel is the cost of my not taking responsibility. I can usually recognize this type of pain if I am feeling resentful or if I’m blaming and pointing my finger at someone else. If I see myself as a victim, I’m making someone outside of myself responsible for the cause of my problems. Resentment, blame, victimhood – these are the clearest signs that I’m not taking responsibility.
Let me provide a recent example. I found my recovery through a Twelve Step program – it’s been an instrumental piece of my recovery. Over the past year or so, I have very seriously considered leaving it. You know – because of “them.” Even after 11 years, that addict inside who is always with me and speaks to me in my own voice started telling me that the problem wasn’t with me, but with the people in the rooms.
I didn’t listen to the voice that told me to leave. It took some effort but I did remember that when I showed up in the rooms of the program, I didn’t stay because someone told me I had to stay here (although some people told me I had to stay). I didn’t come here to make friends (although what a bonus and a blessing that has been!). I came here because my misery brought me here. I didn’t come here because of you and your pain, I came here because of my pain and eventually I stayed because the tools I was being shown worked. So when the voice started to tell me to run, I stopped and listened for another voice. I got still enough to hear my voice of love say, “why the hell would you leave because of other people’s opinions or perceptions? Whose journey are you walking, yours – or theirs?” And then I listened to the voice that said “what are you responsible for in this situation?”
When I move into the perspective of taking responsibility, I start to accept that although I may not have consciously created all of the circumstances that brought me here (wherever “here” is) I begin to see that I did in fact play a role in creating the situation as it is. I begin to see that my beliefs, decisions, actions or excuses played a part in bringing me to this very moment.
THE GIFT OF CHOICE:
Here’s where the magic happens! I have the ability to change the trajectory of my life at any given moment through the gift of choice.
Now, it’s important to note (and I cannot emphasize this enough) that all of our choices impact our future. There’s no such thing as choices that matter or choices that don’t.
I do my best to stay conscious of every choice I make (some days it’s easier than others) and I take note of how making a choice affects my mood or how it makes me feel about myself. For example: do I feel happy and calm about this decision or do I feel stressed and uncomfortable? Am I staying in integrity with myself? Am I doing what I said I was going to do? And this applies whether it’s about calling someone back when I said I was going to, or if I have just committed to making healthier food choices.
Staying aware of my decisions and/or excuses and recognizing whether it’s about love and self-care or fear and insecurity are pretty clear indicators of whether I’m living in alignment with the vision I have for my life and moving towards the possibilities of the future. Or not.
CULTIVATING FAITH:
Taking responsibility and being conscious of my choices is great – but I find that I have to round things out by cultivating faith. I experience a tremendous amount of peace when I am firm in the belief that everything is happening “for” me and not “to” me. I just have to believe that every situation is an opportunity for me to learn. Perhaps it’s an old wound that still needs to be healed or maybe it’s about letting my voice be heard but the point is if I believe that everyone is put on my path for the evolution of my soul and that everyone has something to teach me whether through pain or joy, then my heart is open to learning what I need to learn. And that’s not to say that it might not sting, but the moment I remember it’s happening for me, ahhhhhhh! Relief.
Writing about this is further evidence (to me) about my willingness to be completely vulnerable, at least with myself. Well – and with all of you, I have come to the understanding that by trusting the process and acting in alignment with the vision I have for my life, my Higher Power will provide me with all that I need. And then some.
Author bio:
Debra is a woman in long-term recovery, a Certified Professional Recovery and Life Coach, a loving wife and mother to four amazing children. Next to ensuring the happiness of her family, Debra’s greatest passion is supporting women in recovery to seek and live the very best version of themselves. A strong believer in open-mindedness, Debra draws on her own life experiences of finding self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-love to guide women through their sacred and imperfect journeys into and through recovery. For more about Debra, visit her Facebook page, Debra Morrison, CPRC. (Debra is also the younger sister of Dawn Nickel of She Recovers.)
Thank you for you story, being in recovery 11 years & fist 18mths liveing in mtgs of both fellowships. After a couple of sponsers & struggling still not connecting my disease with the program managing to get 3yr & then relapse & the even 7 yr & relapse I am beginning to understand (slow learner) that this will not let up & unless I recover I will remain unwell, I am now 9mths clean & looking at the program again. So thank you for this amazing journey of yours I think as woman we can be to hard on ourselfs & to self sufficient & forget to ask for help . 🙂 xx
Elizabeth! Thank you for your kind words and for sharing some of your story with me! I don’t think you’re a slow learner at all! I believe with all my heart that lessons are revealed to me when the Universe (Higher Power, God . . . ) thinks I’m ready for them. I know in my experience, substance abuse was one of the things I turned to to try and avoid pain or to avoid the lessons I was too afraid to face. Recovery has shown me that in order to face the fears, I really need to have compassion for myself. And if I can’t give it to myself, I need to lean on people who can help me. And that, my friend, is exactly what this amazing community of She Recovers is all about! And look at you! You’re here! I think you are amazing, keep it up! xoxo
I enjoyed your story it’s good for people in recovery to here about other people’s journeys so we can learn and see it can be done I am newly on the journey and struggling but not hovering up thanks for your story.
Thank you, Brenda! I am SO GLAD you’re here! Connecting with others who have similar experiences has been the biggest gift in my recovery. Walking the path of recovery is not for the faint of heart and how fantastic is it that even though you are new and struggling, your own voice of love is nudging you to not ‘hover up’ and to be vulnerable enough to open up and write that here! I’m excited for you. Thanks for being here. xoxo
Debra, I love your deep inquiry. I love your integrity. I love the path you set for others. I giggled when I read that things are happening for me, not to me. This is a thought I remind myself of daily. LOL. You’re a beautiful woman and a true treasure for all of us in recovery. Thank you Dawn for sharing her with all of us. ♥ Lisa
Lisa, YOU are beautiful. So grateful that my sister introduced me to you and that I had the opportunity to learn from your experience. Thank you for shining your light on me. xoxo
Debra, I loved reading your story. You are an amazing woman. I love you.
Your “Mississippi” sis,
Kathy
I just love my ‘Mississippi’ sis! We are each others mirrors and whatever you see in me is actually a reflection of what’s in you. #thatsthetruth You’re one of the sweetest souls I’ve ever known. xoxo
Debra I absolutely loved ready your blog !! It was inspiring and made me realize a fiew things that I myself have been stifling with these past fiew weeks ! Thank you for changing the path of my day today xoxo
Shirley, thank you for your kind words! Synchronicities of the Universe, I love it when that happens! Divine timing! And really, it’s not so much about my words as it is that you recognized something that resonated with YOUR heart! That’s the magic! Thanks for being here! xoxo
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I went in the retreat last Nivember and met Dawn and Taryn and all the amazing women in recovery. I would love to meet you as well!! I could truly relate to your story, I too talk to myself and tell myself to get out of my own way. That’s how I gave my self permission to go on my first ever retreat with She Recovers. I was a little scared and feeling less than and kept saying you are going to do this and get all you can from this experience. I kept pushing the negative self talk out of my head and embraced it all end it was profound of the most amazing experience I have had to date! Now I am embrace life with a new attitude, go to yoga I’m doing a soul searching exploration in July, going back to she recovers for retreat in November and am continuing with the 12 step meetings where I have met some beautiful women. I am looking forward every day to what is ahead now and with gods help and meditation in the whole program I feel good things are coming and when I have some hard times I know God will be there to lift me up if I just continue on this path… Have the best time on the May retreat!
Denise, thank you for sharing some of your heart with me. What you’ve written here is SO INSPIRING. Isn’t it amazing that when we step out of our comfort zones and move in the direction of really taking care of ourselves, it just opens up a world of possibilities we may never have imagined if we stayed in the fear of what we thought would ‘keep us safe’! Thank you so much for bringing yourself and your experience to the community of She Recovers. Like Dawn says, we are stronger together. Keep shining your light on us! xoxo
This is a great story, thank you for sharing! I really appreciate the idea of things happening “for” you and not “to” you, I tend to be a complainer so this is something I try to work on. I’m also working on being more assertive, setting boundaries, so your explanation of looking at my responsibility and what I can do (not blaming others) is so helpful. Recovery is really a process, but I’m grateful for it!
I love what you said about cultivating faith, especially when you said, ” I just have to believe that every situation is an opportunity for me to learn.” Because I started drinking at a very young age and it took me a very long time and some drastic events to make me realise that i had a problem. When I took that first step to getting better I felt happy again, but it’s almost inevitable to relapse. I relapsed 4 times, however I’m happy to say I’m 9 years sober now and I have faith that it will continue to go this way. So don’t worry if you relapse! It’s okay it happens, but never stop trying. At a young age I left home and I missed my parents so much, but I always got the chance to visit them and with every visit I felt a little less attached every time. Until eventually I did not miss them anymore. I will always love them, but I became independent. And the same is true for alcohol! I hope this helped someone! I got better at https://www.northpointrecovery.com/ and I highly highly recommend it!
Wow! I just love what you shared and I felt it in my heart even after reading it again for few times more. Infact, I’m having goosebumps while typing this. Thank you so much for your life and your recovery Debra.
I’m still in my early stage of recovery (21 best months of my life) and I believe that being here is my Higher Power’s way of telling me that I’m on the right track.
I also found my recovery through the 12 step program and through my sponser’s guidance and other old timers, we made a 12step meeting exclusive for women in our area.
Anyway, to fast forward, just recently I discovered that I have this passion for recovery coaching after a year and a half of constantly asking myself “where I go from here?” But even after attending my first training,there are still moments wherein I question myself and I fear that I won’t make it. And then I bumped into your story and it inspire me so much! It gave me hope and courage to pursue this new found passion.
Again, thank you.
I’m looking forward to hearing more about you and the other amazing ladies in this journey and so I will hang around.
Thank you.
I love you all! :-*