My mom was only 68 years old when she died from leukemia on April 27, 2000. Most days it feels like forever since we lost her, but I still wake up once in a blue while (her saying, not sure where it came from) and forget that she is gone. And it hurts so hard.
I realize that not everyone is close to their mother, and so when death comes it brings a lot of feelings that I can’t relate to. I wasn’t always close with my mother, but my recovery brought our hearts and lives together for at least the last ten years of her life. And for that I am so very grateful.
If you are one of the fortunate ones who had a good relationship with your mom and she has passed away in the more recent past, I want you to know that I am very, very sorry. I remember some of what you are feeling, and most of what you are trying not to feel. If you loved your mom so much that you are practically certain that you can’t go on, I want to tell you something.
You can recover from losing your mother.
Not fully. Not ever fully. But one day, maybe many, many years down the road, you will realize that you are kind of okay-ish. Perhaps one day in the very distant future you may even feel strong enough to share your own mother-loss experience with other women.
But not right now.
In these earliest of days (early means at least one year) you are probably swinging between paralysis and hyper-activity. You will find yourself having some difficulty getting through the motions of daily life. Don’t forget to eat, and drink lots of water. Brush your teeth. Put clothes on if you leave the house (bras are optional) and remember that deodorant is a good idea regardless of the season. Staying up all night listening to the music from your childhood that sears through your soul and makes you feel, feel, feel the feelings – is okay for a few days at a time. But please don’t do it every night for a week. Pace yourself.
You need to rest, to recover, to heal. You need to be as gentle with yourself as you would be with your mother if she was going through what you are going through right now. You may need to tell your person (whoever that is) that although she/he mourns too, she/he will need to take charge of your lives for a while. Be firm when you tell your people that there is not a hope in hell of you making any decisions about much of anything in these first few weeks, months, seasons, years. We are all different and on different grief schedules. Take all the time you need. And write this down and refer to it often:
“I need a lot of time to get over this because I really, really, really liked my mother a lot.”
You will think that the worst pain comes in the immediate aftermath of her death, and while that certainly does hurt horrifically, it’s usually a few weeks after the funeral, memorial or whatever your family and loved one chose to mark her passing that the full extent of the loss will hit you. Like a brick. You will recognize the brick minute when it hits. If you are driving, pull over. Go home. Go straight to your bed and let it out. It will be scary but it will be such a release. I promise you.
If you have kids, they will be watching you closely (as mine were), looking for a sign every once in a while that tells them there is at least some hope that you will eventually be okay. You might not believe that, but fake it once in a while, just to give them a break. If your children are really little, snuggle and sleep with them right beside you. If your kids are teenagers, yell at one of them for something ridiculously unimportant. Believe me, they will be encouraged by that. If you are up to it, give them each a hug and say “honey one day soon we will talk about your grief, your pain. But for now, It’s pretty much all about mine.” They will giggle (mine did). Eventually, but not at this moment, you will need to consider that they have been through double hell from losing their grandmother and also watching you crack.
For now, just let all of your children, regardless of size, give you a lot of hugs (hugs heal our broken hearts) and tell them to brush their teeth, wear deodorant (if they are of that age), and put their toys away or turn down their goddamned music down after midnight. The taking God’s name in vain part is optional, but growing up in our family, the option was almost always taken.
I will tell you the one thing that has sustained me through over two decades of “mother missing” has been that I always speak to my mom. In my head, that is. I talk to her about all of the good things that are going on, as well as the bad or scary stuff. And because I knew my mom so very well, as you did yours, I can always, always hear what she would say, if she were here.
You will hear your mom too. It might be too painful to chat with her in the beginning because you are just going to want to keep asking her why she had to fucking die. That will soften. Keep her close and just listen to your heart. Like her favourite music, photos of your mother will bring you both comfort and agony right now. When you are ready, speak to her photos and tell her what you are going through.
Please, do let somebody know if you really hear her talking back to you – out loud. That might be an indication that you require more support. Or maybe not, who am I to judge.
I wish that I could tell you that years from now all of what you are going through will be behind you. Much of it will, but the longing for one more day, one more talk over tea, one more argument even, will likely never fully go away. There have been so many moments over the years when I have whispered to myself or even said out loud, I want my mommy. Speaking about the loss of her own mother, my mom told me that daughters never get over losing their mother, but they do get through it.
I did. You will. Our daughters will.
And after all is said and done, we really are the fortunate ones. We had amazing mothers. Our mother-daughter bonds will never die.
Dawn
Dawn Nickel is the Founder of She Recovers. She lost her mother the same week that she turned 40 and although she has not been the same since, she is doing great. She Recovers is in part a tribute to her mother-loss, in that it was created as much for women grieving as it is for anyone else.
Hi. I lost mine the same week I was to turn 32 in 2006, am now 43. She was very sick, we still dont know her illness. I still see her in my dreams, but she is the same strong and full figured woman that brought me up. It still hurts and i still cry sometimes. It gets better with time though but she can never be forgotten.
Shibe – I still cry often. Very often. And I dream about my mom a lot. How lovely that you remember her at her healthiest in your dreams. Much love to you, friend.
We are never truly left alone when our loved ones pass on. It is this I know today and I choose to remember the beautiful memories which leave me with a smile on my face and often a tear slipping down my cheek.
So true Colleen – you certainly did have to bear more loss than was fair. Much love to you. You are amazing.
Thank you so much for this article, I lost my mom on March 14, 2019 from stage 4 colon cancer😢😭. Today is July 19, 2019 and I cry every single day. I miss and love her so much, she passed away 10 days after my 41st birthday and the next morning at 3:44am after my oldest niece’s birthday. I haven’t seen her clearly in my dreams yet, but I have heard her voice. I’m just happy she’s not suffering anymore and that she stuck it out for my birthday and her oldest granddaughter’s birthday. She was a beautiful woman in every way who took care of me and my sisters and 4 grandkids on her own because my father passed away over 28 years ago😢😭, I miss him very much too, but I know they are together in Heaven.
I cry often too. It is ok to not be ok. I am so glad you have heard her voice, this is precious. May she always be remembered for the light she brought to your life.
My Mom died on July 15,2018 and my life feels empty.
I found her peacefully sleeping or so I thought, untill many shouts and shaking for her to wake up! And why didin she answer the phone!
Everything since has been foggy.
My Sister and only living sibling whims also the everything or excuter of the will has been on go! go! go! mode and I just want to run the opposite way and scream Mom just fucking died!!!! I am lost and alone. Trying to find the happiness my Mom would of wanted is so hard. I think I need help
I can totally relate to it all feeling so foggy. It is ok to feel disconnected, grief is overwhelming. I hear you and hold you in your pain. I hope you can reach out for support and be heard by someone who understands the immense grief that comes along with losing your mom. Thinking of you.
Hi dawn. I had a double blow last December. Dad died on the 16th December. He had dementia and was frail. Mum had interstitial lung disease and was very frail. Dad was 87. Mum was 85. They were wonderful parents to me. I loved them both very much.
Hi Linda. So sorry to hear of your losses. Sending you and your folks love. May the impact on your life always be remembered and cherished. Holding you.
My mom just passed in January 2020. She was diagnosed 3 months before she passed. She lived in upstate ny and I live in Virginia. I went to visit often once she was diagnosed. It never seems like enough time. She was 60, I was 42. I miss my mommy. I still rush to call her with news before I realize she’s gone. I need her. What am I supposed to do without her?! I
I lost my mother on April 25,2019… in 2013 she was diagnosed with leukemia she fought it for two years and it was put in remission.. everything was going great she was back to herself she was happy she was smiling laughing ect! Until that winter day in November of 2018… she got a call from her doctor that said she had another form of cancer… she had to fight off another one but this time it was in her colon, chemo was keeping the tumor at bay, until it got worse she eventually couldn’t get up by herself she kept sleeping a lot more than normal. Than she had to be rushed to the icu back at the end of March where she was there sleeping for a week straight until she woke up, I rushed down to philly at university of penn hospital (I live 4 hours away) and the doctors said they found internal bleeding they were giving her blood but she was losing it quicker than they could give her… so she goes into hospice care cause nothing was working anymore, I’ll tell you that was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with and see.. seeing my mother in hospice watching her die slowly, praying hoping that the cancer just disappears… than as she finished her hospice care at her sisters house… she slowly went downhill from there, she stopped talking stopped moving her arms stopped everything than she took her final breathe on Thursday at 11:30 am April 25th she passed away… it’s been a month and I’m taking it the hardest and my mother kept saying that until she couldn’t say it no more… I have thee sisters 26,14, and 8….
Hi Jacob, so sorry for your loss. There is no greater pain. Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. We are thinking of you and holding the memory of your mother in our hearts.
Hi Dawn.Many thanks for your link! I am an only child who lost my Beloved Mom at almost 51. She was diagnosed a week before her death…..no time to talk…….she lived in a cottage on our property so we were in constant contact.only steps away She was only 73 ….her last words to me “Make sure you have support honey” She passed when I took a leave after 24 hours of staying with her…….when the birds started chirping in the early am 5am she took her final breath……it has been 12 years and I miss my Mom every second of the day!
April – I am so sorry for your mom’s sudden death. How poignant that her last words to you were about you taking care of yourself. A mom to the end 🙂 And 51 is way too young. Big hugs to you and thank you for sharing and being a member of our community. ~Dawn~
Hello Mom passed away March 9, 2018 and I’m still devastated and struggling with grief daily.
Christine, it’s still such early days for you – the first year is definitely the hardest, in my experience. My suggestion – as you read in the article – is to honor your grief. Feel it, and lean into it as much as you are able to and yet still function (eat, shower, take care of yourself). You are in my heart.
Dawn
I feel your pain. My mother passed away 9/27/18. I feel so much pain, and devastated. I miss her ever minute. This pain will never go away, she was my everything.
Hello Christine so so sorry for your loss. I loss my mother on July 4, 2019 and it hurts really bad. I am crying as I type this. I just want her back. we are never ready. I struggle daily but I have to keep pushing to get through. It’s tough and I wish this on no one to have to deal with the loss of a mother. I pray for you and myself to find peace and to heal our pain.
Hello Christine Pridgen I lost my mom march 9th 2014 I want to say sorry for your lost God will heal your pain God bless you dear💖💖💖💖💖
This is a very helpful article. I lost my mom this past Saturday night. March 2, 2019. I have a lot of guilt and regret. She was in Florida, I am in Michigan. I did cry out once “I want my mommy” and I am 66. Tonight I played music she loved, from years ago. I also listened to all her voicemails. So hard. I lost my husband 6 years ago, was emotionally abused by my daughter who also stole a large amount of money from me and I don’t know how I’m going to deal with my mom’s death on top of all of that. My mom had Alzheimer’s although she remembered me and my brother and I am thankful for that. She almost made it to 91. I am blessed to have had her for so long. My father passed away 32 years ago. I feel so lost.
Oh Martha – I am so, so sorry. How fresh this is for you. I hope that you can find it in your heart to release the guilt and regret one day soon but for right now I think you will probably just feel all of the pain that comes along with motherloss. I still cry out “I want my Mommy” sometimes (I’m 58). I am so sorry about your husband and that you have been so hurt by your daughter. Please take gentle care of yourself.
Sending love,
Dawn
Martha, I lost my mom March 5, 2017. I am 63 now and my mom had just turned 82 when she passed. I too have a lot of regrets still to this day. She lived in KC and I live in Atlanta. I wish I had spent more time with her, but I did call her each and every day. My dad is still alive at near 90, and has remarried. My parents were married for over 60 years, so it all feels strange. It’s two years later and I still break down sometimes,.. like tonight. I google “I miss my mom” and end up on sites like this one where people share their losses. I have a good cry and wish so much that I could just have one more hour with her just to tell her how much I love her. It is as if a part of me is lost forever. I took so much for granted. My heart goes out to you for your losses. You’ve really been through a lot. I hope that you and your daughter can make things right. God bless.
Thank you for your powerful reflections. I love a good cry and share in your desire to have more time. My heart goes out to you as well, dear one.
Vickybarry2011@hotmail.com
I came here to get some insight on my inability to think of my mother without breaking down in tears. She passed 30+ years ago (I was 24) in a MVA. I’m 55 years old and cry or tear up every. Single. day. Everyone says to honor your loved one with good memories but even that brings me to tears. Thanks fir all the good advice. ❤️
Alice – if you see Hayley’s post (just after yours) – she has just lost her mom at 24. I am so sorry for your loss – it’s such a deep one, isn’t it? I have just started a brand new SHE RECOVERS FB group specifically for women who have lost their moms – it’s called SHE RECOVERS from Losing Our Moms and if you would like to join us there and share what you are going through, get support please just request that you be added: https://www.facebook.com/groups/335494467390668/
Love
Dawn
Thanks for writing Dawn. My mums was 58 and me 30 when she died this March. I am aching with sadness everyday I am
Very spiritual so have had lots of contact with my mum since she died 9 months ago. But she hurts like mad and feel so guilty I have a life to enjoy and live and mum not here living or enjoying hers on earth xxxx I feel guilty I used to worry if something happened to her because I loved her so much and she did get sick that plays on my mind but life is what it is lots of love xxxxx
Alice – I’m so glad that you have had contact with your mom’s spirit since she passed – what a comfort for you. I hope that you can eventually find it in you to know that your mom wants you to enjoy life – but it’s only been nine months so that might take a while. Much love to you. Dawn.
My mother died almost 6 weeks ago and was cremated 2 weeks ago and the pain is unbearable!
I was very close to mom and visited her every other day if not daily and cooked her meals for her and attended her health appointments so that gives you an idea how close! I would also periodically stay over as well as she loved my company!! Her sudden and tragic passing is something that I can’t even comprehend! The pain is immense and crying non stop! The feeling is dark. There were four weeks in between earth and cremation so I was busy arranging this and doing that and sorting the house clearance and cancelling creditors etc etc but now the cremation has been done I now have all the time to stew on the events and it’s so heavy on my heart.
use to keep looking at her photos on my phone but have since deleted them after backing them up as I’m now finding them haunting to look at! I feel so helpless and irritable, my guts churn as I pine for my mother to have one last hug with her!! This is so final, I hear her voice in my head constantly and visions of her laying deceased on the hospital trolley, I try to keep myself occupied but inevitably it swings back to thoughts of mom. It’s all so surreal and it’s like a very bad dream I want to awake from! My only saving grace is going to sleep as thats my escape but when I awake it starts all over again! I don’t feel like talking to anyone as whatever they say there are usually triggers which sends me into an all time low!! It’s all in waves and some days when I think I’m ok it suddenly hits me again!
I have a few of her things which sets me off every time I look at them so have now put them away. There is no other pain on earth like losing your mother, that one person who gave you life and nurtured you and done all she could to raise you well has gone forever!! I feel sometimes like there is no point in carrying on but I know I can’t allow myself to sink to that!
I considered bereavement support but then also think how many times have they heard this over and over. As I said it’s final and that’s the hardest part to digest.
Its been 12 years since I lost my mother, my best friend, my confidant and my mentor, just as well. The pain never gets easier, however, it gives you longer breaks in between. It’s like my oldest daughter told me, “Mom, look at it this way, losing your mom, my nana, compares to losing a body limb. You will move forward and learn to adapt without it, but life will never ever be the same again but your life will move forward.” My baby helped me grieve my mother’s loss, I’m truly blessed.
Wow, children truly are our greatest teachers. Such wise advice from your daughter, thank you for sharing. <3
My mom just passed . She was 88 and my very best friend . She was in hospice on lots of morphine which kind of upsets me that they gave her so much .. :(. I will love her and think if her til it’s my turn to go . ❤️
I lost my momma this past Friday, Feb 28 2020. The grief is unbearable…. She was my everything.. it was almost 1 year to the day of my stepdad.. both gone I don’t know how to do this without them… I am 39 and I still need my momma, we were so close and I can feel her near me… But I just want her
Oh Kimberley – that is so recent. I am so sorry. Please just try to do what I suggest in my blog post – ride the waves of grief. Embrace it. You are worth it and so was she.
Love
Dawn
Hello Kimberly I feel your pain I lost my mom too it is so hard sometimes God heals all wounds sorry for your loss im praying for your healing heart💖💖💖💖
My beautify mom died just a year ago, 30 sept 2018. I am 38, i miss her so much, and i understand your pain. I dont think i will ever recover…I am so sorry about your mom but I just wanted to reply to you since i feel i can relate to your pain so much…
Thank you for your article I lost my Mom on 1/19/22 3 weeks ago this Wednesday. My heart is beyond broken. I lost my Dad almost 24 years ago in April. I don’t even know how to live without her. I started therapy and am considering grief groups as well. I honestly do not know how to do this. We spoke 20+ times a day. She battled Lung Cancer for years but it was hern COPD that was bad and things just started shutting. Worst Birthday, worst Christmas worst holidays of my life. I just pray for strength to get through this. I’m sorry for your loss as well.
I’m the only child as well. Lost my mom due to breast cancer. I’m 40 years old. Lost her last year. 6 month after her passing my dad died. I’m so lost and confused. I miss her so much . I have lost so much whight due to not eating her food. I took care of both of them sence I was a teen. I did not finish school because I nursed them washed her bath her cooked for her as her cancer got worse we fought very hard but chemo got the best of us. I have no kids no girlfriend nothing other then my dogs about to be homeless . I’m just scread without them. I have no friends .due to keeping my self in the dark. Or just to busy in hospitals and cancer centers.
Dear Shibe.I know your pain………I spent a year after my Mom passed going to Group Therapy Grieve Groups.my therapist 2 times a week and Art Therapy for the Grieving! I wanted to cover all basis as I was a TOTAL wRECK!! tHE ONLY THING THAT GOT ME OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING..were my pups! And I walked at least 5 hours a day…it helped until I came home! 12 years and I grieve…..found a new sense of normal..got married again and rescued more dogs/cats!xo
I lost my mom in 2015 also to Leukemia. One year before that my sister died from Leukemia. I can’t even think about my mom without cracking. I just can’t think about her at all. Then, suddenly, this morning, the day before thanksgiving, it just hit me. Three years later and it just washed over me like a tsunami. I could not get up from the kitchen table- I thought I would fall. I found this article. Thank you.
Margot – how cruel that Leukemia should take two members of your family. It’s been 18.5 years since I lost my mom and I still get hit with those tsunamis. I give myself permission to feel them wash over me…she was worth it, after all. Be tender with yourself. It’s still very early days – three years is not long at all.
We have a wonderful FB group for women recovering in all areas of their life, including mother loss. It is called SHE RECOVERS Together Secret Facebook Group. If you are on FB and would like to join the group – simply send a FB request to our group “admin” Dorothy Rae. You can find her at:
https://www.facebook.com/dorothy.rae.12
Much love,
Dawn
Hi, Dawn, my mom was dignanozed with a brain tumour and was given 3 to 6 months to live. I’ve been reading as much as I can to help deal with the grieving process. While we had a tense relationship, I’ve cried so much the last few days and often about the positive things she brought to my life and hopefully to my three brothers. I will miss when that day arrives and I will remember for kind soul she was.
I just lost my mama to brain cancer. Glioblastoma to be exact. I’m completely devastated. I’m hoping for the best…for you and your mother.
Sherry, so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart aches for you and grateful you have connected with us here. Holding you and your mum in my heart.
I lost my mom Feb 2018, she was my best friend and I miss her dearly. 3 months later, May 2018, I lost my Hero, my Dad. My grief is unbearable at times. I feel sad and lost. I have tremendous family support that I don’t know what I would do without.
Oh Laura – I am so very sorry. How unfair. I am so glad you have support but my heart hurts for you. We have a wonderful FB group for women recovering in all areas of their life, including divorce. It is called SHE RECOVERS Together Secret Facebook Group. If you are on FB and would like to join the group – simply send a FB request to our group “admin” Dorothy Rae. You can find her at:
https://www.facebook.com/dorothy.rae.12
I’d love to see you there.
Dawn
Laura I lost my mom in December 2018 and my Dad in March of 2019. I am 28 years old. My heart breaks for you as I can completely understand everything you have been feeling!
I lost mine on Friday, I want to kill myself but I can’t I got children, help me deal with it please it’s hurts so much,
Louise – please go to the hospital or call someone who can help you immediately? We are not equipped to deal with such severe feelings, I am sorry. I know the deep, deep pain you are in. Can you please talk to someone right away? Please call a crisis line if you can’t reach out to a person in real life: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Sending you love, lots of love.
Dawn
i promise that you can get through it. Talk to a professional…now.
I hope you are doing ok. I lost my mom May 16. Nearly 3 months ago. I kept a poker face for my two sons 16&20 throughout her illness (cancer) 2 years. Although they are older, my mom lived with us in a separate apartment downstairs. They were her world. She cooked for them, watched wrestling with them. They watched classic movies together. I never let them know that she was not going to beat this relentless disgusting disease. Now that she’s gone, my boys are doing better than I am. They worry about me coping. I thought it would be the other way around. I cry at least once a day but just for about 5 minutes. I think about her all the time and Ive had 3 very vivid dreams about her. Some say it’s visitation but I’m not a strong believer of the after life. I will tell you one thing for sure, the pain gets easier. It becomes more tolerable. I know because most of my girlfriends lost their moms several years ago and my mom lost her mom and dad (my grandmother and grandfather) over 25 years ago. My mom talked about still missing her parents but she still lived. She went on to be a loving mother to me and grandmother to my boys. So as much pain as you feel, I know, I’m in that situation right now, it will subside so please seek therapy. Talking about it is soooo helpful. Your children need you.
Thank you so much for sharing your reflections and experience with our readers. Your words are deeply resonate. So sorry for your loss.
My mother died on Good Friday. She was 94. I was her caregiver and friend and she had been mine so many times. I miss her so, I miss my sweet mommy and don’t think I will ever stop. I’m 64. She had become my life and maybe always was.
I cry at least once a day and more. I also keep a journal and write her a note each day and then one to the angels to hold her tight.
Now, I’m a orphan but I hang on to all of the beautiful memories and she made me a better person. I miss you and love you forever.
Hi Peggy,
I have just started a brand new SHE RECOVERS FB group specifically for women who have lost their moms – it’s called SHE RECOVERS from Losing Our Moms and if you would like to join us there and share what you are going through, get support please just request that you be added: https://www.facebook.com/groups/335494467390668/
Love
Dawn
Hi Peggy
I just lost my Mom four months after you. I was her caregiver for four years she was my life. I am a widow have been for seven years. I am having a hard time going on with my daily life think about her every day and cry a lot can’t get motivated to do anything. My mother was 93 went in a coma died the 3rd day
I am 65 appreciate what time I had with her and all the great memories I know it takes time to heal, Thank you for sharing!! Sharon
Thanks for sharing, Sharon. Sending you a warm hug. Dawn.
I ended up starting a group called SHE RECOVERS from Losing Our Moms:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/335494467390668/
Feel free to join us there if you like.
Dawn
I’ve tried clicking on the link you’re leaving for the ,”She recovers together. ” as well as Dorthy Rae 12 link. It’s confusing but that’s just me lately. I got to the page and requested but nothing happened. I send a request on messenger to D.R. and it said, “you’re not friends with D.R.
I don’t give up easy but I’m hoping for some feedback ty
Oh wow this article is exactly how I am feeling right now. My mom passed on March 14, 2019 and I am feeling the loss more so now than ever. Thank you for writing this, I don’t feel so abnormal anymore. I am 42 years old and my mom was 68 so I feel like she was too young to go but I understand it was her time. I miss her so much! I see my mom in my dreams all of the time and its very comforting but I do want her to be happy and move on to the new world she is in.